02 Sep, 11:30
Álvaro Negredo (Besiktas)
The best and the worst of social media in one grotesque 39-second slab: an irony-laden hashtag #Come to Besiktas, which fans of the outfit love to slap under pretty much anything) that became a semi-stylish piece of official club merch, then subsequently morphed into a viral video announcing the signing of the lanky Spanish goal menace.
Ricardo Quaresma and Pepe should be given a detective buddy show on Netflix immediately, and Pepe’s line – “Chhello amigo… come to Besiktas” – is delivered with a grinning menace that cannot disguise the fact he’s football’s answer to Jeffrey Dahmer. Slop on some Europop musical bin juice and you’ve got an effort that will never be topped.
Alexandre Lacazette (Arsenal)
Arsenal’s transfer window has been dismal – to accurately reflect things, they really should have got one of those Scandi noir directors to make a short film of that Arsenal TV gobshite who looks like a wizard crying and punching himself in the wand.
Instead, they seemed to employ the team from A Question of Sport’s mystery guest round to slowly unveil the French goal-guzzler. We preferred the one with Steve Cram operating a combine harvester.
Mohamed Salah (Liverpool)
Short and sweet: through our phones we get to stare at somebody else staring at their phone full of fans baying: “Announce Salah Now!” – only to cut back to reveal it’s only the ruddy man himself! Made tolerable only by Mo’s immensely likeable grinning face.
Joshua Tymon (Stoke)
Essentially the Salah one but with a laptop rather than a phone, a cheaper camera crew and less charming protagonist: the no-nonsense Hull-born defender types “SIGN SOMEONE STOKE!!!” on Twitter before turning and giving a grim-faced thumbs up to the camera. Moribund.
John Terry (Aston Villa)
Just imagine being in a WhatsApp group with JT, Steve Bruce, Jack Grealish and the Midlands’ answer to Stephen Fry, Gabby Agbonlahor: the tears of mirth would never stop flowing. And Villa gave us an insight into this comedy gold with their mock-up group chat about the signing of Captain Leader Legend, revealing club owner Doctor Tony Xia to be a right wag, with a love of the despicable smiley-wearing-sunglasses emoji.
It’s fair to say this one divided opinions: it’s original and some laughed at the Olaf Melberg/Paul McGrath gag, while others clenched their cavities in deep embarrassment. “I hope we get relegated again after this,” mused one Villan
Roque Mesa (Swansea)
Another half-baked idea saved by the participants. We’d definitely take language lessons with Angel Rangel, who seems absolutely charming, and he guides his pupil, seen only from behind, through a series of English phases before the money shot of: “My name is…”
And what a climax! Roque Mesa swivels to reveal his quite extraordinary face: double diamond earrings, alt-right haircut, tooth braces and a spiv’s moustache. He gives us the classic double thumbs up. Magnificent.
Stuart Taylor (Southampton)
The only place to end: the world is now so meta that we find ourselves commenting on a video transfer announcement that is in itself a comment of the preposterous nature of transfer announcements. Expect a review of this column shortly (possibly in the form of an obscure announcement on Periscope).
Anyway, hats off to Saints for lampooning the whole burlesque oneupmanship of it all, sending a SWAT team and a yacht to built the tension as if Jack Bauer has just cut the brachial artery of an attractive CTU double agent with the nuclear codes – only to reveal that Stuart Taylor has penned a new one year contract at St Mary’s. Shall we call it a day now?